I have nothing inside me anymore .

I feel so empty , for good this time .

My personal goals and dreams i’ve made , since my childhood years are fading away .

I don’t say this to anyone ,because i don’t want anyone to see me in this so vulnerable situation .

I know that this is wrong and there are many people who can say to me a good word , but i don’t feel comfortable to share my defeats to anyone .

That’s the way i am , i suppose . I have nothing inside me anymore . I don’t feel anger from my past life’s mistakes .

I don’t feel dissapointment for my countless defeats with any possible way . I don’t feel rage for the situations , i let uncontroled and now i pay the price .

In the past i would have felt rage and deepest rage , for which the Hulk would have been very “jealous” .

But now i don’t have the power to feel these dark emotions . Maybe this isn’t so bad .I have nothing inside me anyore . I’m an empty shell . A defeated empty shell !!!!

The “things’ i’ve felt for so many years now , don’t exist anymore .

The feellings of hatred , revenge , intolerance , jealousy ,willingness to pay back evilness with evilness ,willingness to cheat so i can win using “alternative” methods and so many bad emotions , aren’t exist anymore .

I have lost so many times big and small battles ,i’m not interested for anything anymore .

Everyhting i did in the past didn’t helped me at last . And now i know this , not from books and novels , but from my reality . JESUS what an experience is this .

Now i know what the words , failure ,mistakes ,wrong path ,correct path ,wrong judgement , wrong technics , wrong training ,wrong strategic , wrong risk assessment , wrong , wrong , wrong , means .

Now i know what failure is and can assume how victory will look like .

Because i have “met” failure in the highest grade and i can assume that , victory will be the opposite !!!!!

No from what i have heard from stories ,books ,assumptions ,friendly philisophical conversations with a glass of wine in the hand the hot summers …but in my totaly personal reality .

And this fact HURTS SO BAD . It is the first time you feel that you may be a loser .

It is the first time in which you realise who you are , what you can do ,what your capabilities TRULY have and not what you have been told you have your friends , and your family all your life’s years .

It is the first time in your life , that life has stroke you , its first hits . And these “punches” HURT SO BAD . But what can i do ?

What can i do to reverse the situation ?

I’m so alone , with no money ,no support from a strong person beside me , nothing .

These thoughts are in my mind all day and all night . And the solution doesn’t seem to apppear .

Many weeks , many months have passed and i’m in same poisition . The “rope” tightens in my throat and i can’t do anything . The only thing i know , is that i DON’T WANT TO QUIT . The only “fortune” i have is that , i DON’T WANT TO QUIT .

And one morning it happened !!!!! One beautiful morning IT happened . IT happend without any warning , without anything to prepare me for this incident .

And of course i didn’t wait for IT .

But i accept IT with enormous happiness and the biggest soul joyment i’ve ever felt before in my life .I wake up in the morning before my alarm clock rings and from that morning i didn’t need an alarm clock anymore .

I wake up in a glimpse , without saying any excuses to myself to stay a little more in my warm bed , no “tiny voices” inside my head telling all the sweet words my “lazy brain” wanted to hear , to be a little more lazy this morning . No excuses from my suffering body and the pain i was feeling every single morning and staying a little more in the bed .

This morning i feel the same pains in body and soul , but this fact doesn’t affect my willingness to get up the time it needed , and start my day as it needed to fulfill my goals .

As if i’m a different person this morning . My brain doesn’t leave anything to interrupt its focus to the “job” i have infront of me this day . Even my body moves are different .

” Cold Mechanical” moves .

As if i’m not a human anymore . I do my morning habbits in a certain ammount of time , without wasting any time and i go to my training , again in the exact time i must arrive .

Driving to my stadium for my training , i don’t make any other thoughts , than the times i must catch this particular day , the correct way i must do , so i can accomplish my times and nothing more !!!!

Nothing can interrupt my focus .

Generally it wasn’t hard for me to be a focused person , but this level i have today , it is something else .

As if i’m not a human with feelings and emotions anymore . No car traffic , no bad behavior of the other drivers nothing “enters’ inside my head . I don’t even care for my favorite music this morning .

I have no expression in my face , i don’t speak to anyone , my eyesight is straight , strong , “cold-blooded” , a “machine” eyesight . My head moves “mechanically” , my arms moves “mechanically” , my hole existance is “mechanic” .

I don’t feel emotions of any kind ,the only thing i think is ONLY MY “TODAY’S” JOB . And i do my job in the best way possible .

I “catch” my training times , my coach was very impressed saying to me that if i continue this way , i will do great “things” , bla , bla , bla . I hear all these encouraging talk , but i don’t care anymore for talks , congratulations ,”promising futures” ,good intension talks , bad intension talks ,talks , talks , talks .

The only thing i care is to be healthy , and be a little bit better tomorrow .

NOTHING ELSE .

No “sweet” , or “bitter” words are entering my “CPU” . I return back home in the same exact mood .No emotions at all .

I eat my food “mechanically” , i rest the exact time my “mechanic” body needs to rest and the afternoon , i go for my second training of the day .

My racing date is near and till then i will do 2 practices the day . I go , i do my “job” , my other coach said again the same encouraging talks ,i didn’t care again for them and returned home .

The hole day i haven’t spoken to anyone , i didn’t smile , i didn’t made any expression to anyone and anything . I just did my job and returned to the house to sleep and wake up the next morning , and BE BETTER .

My family is looking at me with curiosity , my friends the same and some of them maybe get offended , my entire surroundings are looking at me with curiosity , but i don’t care , anymore .

No emotion is inside me .

My “CPU” records the incidents which happening my hole day , and “erase’ them at the same time . I only care for the next day and the targets i MUST achieve . During this time period of mine , i catch myself in the “auto mode ” saying to myself strange new words , strange new phrases ……

“ You are not a human anymore . You don’t feel pain , no matter if your knees are hurting you so much after the exhausting training days …

I don’t care for encouraging talks and speeches anymore , from anyone . I hear only my coach and his advices concerning the thinngs i have to do to become better . I ‘m not a human anymore , with flesh , veins , bones . I’m a cold blooded machine .

I’m a cold blooded “Terminator” . I don’t feel pain . I don’t feel agony , stress , pressure , happiness , bitterness .

No matter how big are the difficulties infront of me , i’ll vanish them Because this is my “job” . I don’t negotiate with any situation in my life , which can jeopardize my victory , because failure isn’t acceptable from my “CPU” .

I sleep , i eat , i rest , i train , NOTHING MORE .

I’m a “machine” and “machines” doesn’t say excuses , doesn’t use excuses , doesn’t need excuses , doesn’t care for excuses , doesn’t get “blinded” from excuses , cannot be beaten by excuses , cannot tolerate excuses , cannot relax supported by excuses .

A “Terminator” doesn’t feel pain , doesn’t feel fear ,doesn’t feel threatened from any situation ,doesn’t feel tiredness ,doesn’t bent by difficulties , doesn’t feel cold or hot , doesn’t happy or not , doesn’t gets affected from weather , doesn’t gets affected by hymans opinions , doesn’t gets affected from psychological “games” , mind “games” , emotional “games” , erotic “games’ , money “games” , vanity “games” , fake “games” , and he never stops till his “mission” is accomplished .

A “Terminator” , knows that “wrong” emotions ,can block his way to achieve his “job” and because he doesn’t have the capability to separate , “good” emotions from “bad” emotions concerning his “mission” , he block all his emotions till the end of the road .

Because his life’s dreams are in danger and has zero time luxury to be an “emotional machine”(!) , he desides to cut all the “unnecessary” feelings and focus , ONLY to his business .

The “Terminator” , rests only when it is necessary and only for specific time periods , to keep his “mechanical parts” in the highest efficiancy level . During his rest periods the only thoughts , he lets enter his brain are happy thoughts , infinite dreams , dreams of winning the final battle .

He doesn’t let any other kind of “human” thoughts ,to “invade” his Champion Mentality , as misery ,psychological “black thoughts” driven by depression and continuous dissapointments , self-pity , mammoth stress from the pressure he feels this last moments of his “eternal journey” to victory .

The “Terminator” , doesn’t feel anything . He only acts !!!!!

And at the end , HE WINS .

And after his final victory , he is free from all his past ” Invisible Chains ” .And it isn’t necessary to have this specific “CPU” , anymore !!!!!!!!!!!

He can return to his previous human situation , COMPLETELY HAPPY AS HE NEVER WAS BEFORE !!!!!!!!!!

Be , this “Terminator” !!!