The morning wake – up is so strange this morning . It isn’t hard as the days i’ve tried to succeed in my goals and i was SO tired .

Those mornings i’ve struggled with every strength i had to open my eyes , to focus in some point in my room to make clear my vision , because i couldn’t see clearly after so many nights sleeping in the 4 a.m .

Those “unhuman” efford mornings , to get up from my bed was so hard to do . My body was beyond its limits , for so many months , years and it didn’t want to “obey” my willingness .

My quads were so swollen from the squats i did in the maximum in ALL my bodybuilding trainings ,
because i had to push them to the limit , so the pumping blood would evolute them .

Of course i did the same for all my body parts , but the in morning , the quads and your middle body , your abs and back , are the first which gives you PAIN from the exhausting training .

I remember going to the toilet and make a quick bath , was a nightmare . Now all your body parts gives you pain .

And the most importand was , that you had to ignore all of that in a glimpse , because you needed to start performing again in the “red-zone” and you didn’t have the luxury to complain for the pain or anything .

Noone was going to do the “job” for you and you knew that , so you didn’t had time to waste .

Those mornings the process of waking up , wash yourself , make a bath with whatever temperature the water had , eat something and set-up your brain to full “attack” mode shouldn’t have taken you more than 20 minutes . Time was gold and the day had only 24 hours .

In my “early days” , this process was so difficult to accomplish it with disipline and many times i made “discounts” and cheated a little more time , finding and saying excuses to me , but after a while i made “corrections” and didn’t let anything to spoil my program .

I was a “ruthless” to myself , a “machine” with no feelings and emotions till the job will finish . What days was those . But this morning isn’t a day like those days .I feel enormous “emptyness” inside .

I don’t feel emotions . Tiredness , happiness , my well known anxiety since i remember myslef .
Anger when things weren’t going as i wanted , “simple” daily stress , stress when external situations made my life harder , stress when people around me didn’t understand my “madness” .

Soul tiredness from the constant “centuries” of trying , brain tiredness from the continuous mind focus in my goal , body exhaustion even if i’m so overworked , body pain even if my muscles and joints are “dead” .

Emptyness is the name of my situation this morning . Complete empryness and complete quiet . There is no noise in the house , or everywhere . At least i cannot hear anything .

I only got up from my bed , went to bath , washed my teeth , make a bath and i’m sitting in my kitchen preparing something to eat . But all these i make it , totaly mechanically .

Without any emotion , without thinking anything , without reacting to anything . I do all this as a SOULLESS robot . COLD IS ALL OVER THE PLACE . I open my mouth to eat some cereal and i look at the spoon , because i don’t feel any taste .

I drop the plate on the table and sit back on my chair , as an empty sack .

There is NO LIFE INSIDE ME !!!!!!!

There is NO FIRE INSIDE ME !!!!

My eyesight is blur watching the “emptyness of the universe” .

My mind is “frozen” unavailable to think something . Happy or not . I don’t want to go to anywhere outside , no matter how beautiful is the day today . I don’t want to move from this chair , i want to sit in it , till the “end of time” .

I cannot reach the phone to get some help and deep down i don’t want any help . What is happening to me , isn’t physical . As if someone or something , stole my energy , my willingness , my LOVE , my personality , my hole existance , and in front to all of this i seem , so HELPLESS .

Is this , the “thing” they call , depression ?Am i depressed ?

Is this , the “thing” they call , emotional problems , psychological problems ? Is this , the “thing” they call , resignation from life , generally resignantion ?

Is this , the “thing” they call , losing your mind for good ? I don’t know . I only know this :

I LOST AND FAILED TOTALLY .

I ‘ve lost and failed in all my life purposes and the crush was heard beyond our known universe .

I GAVE WHATEVER I HAD AND I LOST . So simple . So sad .

I’ve seen situations like mine , in the cinema , in TV series which the hero looses the “game” amd confronts emotional deadlocks and psychological problems , but movies are another thing .

As much good movies , are helping and inspire so many millions of people , as me LIVING TOTALLY FAILURE SITUATIONS ON YOU is another thing.

When you live and experience the real thing , another reality unfolds in front of your eyes .

THIS IS THE REAL THING MY FRIEND . YOU ARE DOWN . GAME IS OVER .

This is the first day of your life , being in the other “side of the river” .

The side YOU HAVE FEARED ALL YOUR LIFE . YOU HAVE FAILED .

What your life will be from now on ?

Are you going to cry for 1 day ? for 2 days ? for weeks ? for months ?

For THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ? Are you going to quit ?

Are you going to quit and put the blame to ” Bad luck ” , to ” bad society ” , to ” bad humans ” , to ” bad competitors ” , to bad weather(!) or to TO OTHERS ?

Are you going to be a drifter from here and there , making complains and trying to find SOMEONE TO HIT YOU IN THE BACK a little and GIVE YOU A CONVENIENT ALIBI , NOT TO TRY AGAIN ?

Are you going to try to “escape” from a life you don’t like it much anymore , making irrellevant things , irrelevent friends , irrelevant jobs , rrelevant relationships ,irrelevant in general just to forget ? But you know it inside you , that you CANNOT FORGET .

You cannot “escape” FROM YOU , because you are with you(!) every day .

You know that you cannot live normally like that . You are born a fighter . Someone who tries . Someone who feels joy , when he wins little or large “battles” , no matter how hard the path is . So what are you going to do ?

Losing has a UNIQUE POWER .

It MAKES YOU CRYSTAL CLEAR , WHAT BELIEVE IN YOURSELF MEANS !!!!

Till now you’ve seen it , in movies , in other persons maybe , in philosophical talks , in whatever and maybe you’ve taste it a little from your early effords . But this situation is another thing .

You have in front of you , affecting you in an ABSOLUTE GRADE , the looser fact . Now you know , what defeat is 1000% crystal celar . Now you know what “loosing the earth under your feet” , IS .

Now you know that the things you’ve done in your life till was all wrong , no matter how hard you tried . You just didn’t tried enough , or you quited very soon , or you didn’t use the correct “tools” , or all these combined .

Now you know that maybe you didn’t tried to win for yours and only yours satisfaction , but to prove something to someone . Not for your own fulfillness , but for others .

Yes my friend THIS MAKES HUGE DIFFERENCE and the moments you try , this not real motive “acts” subconsciously and you don’t realize it , not until you’ll lose the game !!!

But now you know more . Now you kow that even if your worst fears became reality and you’re hurt badly , you are STILL HERE !!!!!!!!!!! .

You are still here and it’s not so bad . You are still alive , healthy and on your feet . You have taken the complete “taste” of the loosing – winning “game” and you ARE ALIVE and STILL DREAMING . This is not so bad .

You don’t fear anymore .You don’t have stress anymore .You feel so free and so mature .

Like someone pull a curtain which was in front of you and now you see yourself and WHO YOU ARE crystal clear . Now you know WHO ARE YOU and what direction you must take to win the ultimate winning .

Now you know that , either you must take the path you had taken and FIX ALL THE MISTAKES WITHOUT HESITATION or ERASE THE PATH and MAKE A COMPLETE NEW ONE IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION . And the most important :

Whatever you do from now on , you’ll do it FOR YOUR OWN SATISFACTION AND NOONE ELSE’S !!! GET UP , ARM YOUR WEAPONS and DON’T YOU DARE QUIT !!!!!