When i come late at night from my weights training and i don’t want to go to a cinema ,or whatever , i see you very unhappy .

When i wake up at 5a.m in the morning for my aerobic – running training , i watch you turning your back on me , in bed .

When i come from my training , barely moving my exhausting body and throw my bags , clothes wherever i can , you don’t smile at me .

When i don’t answer your phones during my training , because i must let NOONE to interrupt me , when i push to the limit , i see “cloudy” faces after that . When i don’t have the mood to ” light talking ” as couples do , because my brain is focused 100% to my winning “job” i see “cloudy” faces also .

When i don’t have the mood to explain , the “things” i should not explain . I see “cold-blooded” dissapointment .

When i have tons of stress , cause my last period of time i cannot reach my goals and i need someone to hold my hand , to hold my “soul” and speak some “humanly” words , but i confront cold shoulder , i feel so sad.

When i don’t “worship” your new dress , your new watch , your new haircut , your new football T-shirt , you give me hard times and i usually duck my head and don’t speak .

When i don’t remember your birthday , our relationship/wedding anniversary , or something like that , you don’t speak to me for days .

But these tough moments , i don’t remember MY birthday date !!!! .When i spend more money for my special high quality food and supplements , and you must pay more for us , i sense emotions which hurt me deep .

When i have so many thoughts in my mind and i need someone to take on his shoulder , the daily “common” stuff so i can be free to perform and noone shows up , these crucial moments , i feel so lonely .

When i need someone to chear me up the moments i’m “fragile” a little , those endless dark nights but even if you are next to me , you aren’t near to me , i try to fool myself and make excuses for you .

But deep down , i know when i win “small” victories i see you very happy maybe happier than i am , and when i loose i see you typical unhappy , even if i would apprecciate it most , if these would be vice versa .

When the big final day of my battle is coming closer and my body and mind must be ready in the absolute grade , i hear from you words about neglection , avoidance , lack of love and all of these .

I go to another state of mind , or i must go to another state of mind . I must be , a “machine” ,a “cold-blooded killer” ,neglecting my own feelings ,my emotions or whatever will make me loose . I almost hear you say things about “craziness” ,“madness” , and stuff like that .

When i have a small “fall” and i must relax , analyze the mistakes i’ve made so i won’t make them again , i confront and i must tolerate your wild party you “must” have till the first morning hours .

And i don’t speak , i just try to find a quiet corner in the house to be on my own and think . There are some times , especially when things aren’t going as i want to go , in which i don’t want social relationships with noone .

I’m not doing well with nobody , especially my OWN SELF .

These times , these so fragile and sensitive times , don’t put any more “weight” on my shoulders .
PLEASE . If you put , i can take it , but please “why you test my limits me so badly ?”

When i have an injury and at nights i sleep alone in the other bed , i’m not avoiding you or don’t let you come in my world . It is simply a matter of comfort , so i can withstand the pain and sleep a couple of hours .

In the beginning i had told you this won’t be easy ,as you imagined maybe . I told you who i am ,what i do , what i want to do , what i’m prepared to do in order to achieve my goals ,which is my personal truth and which isn’t .

I had told you that this wouldn’t be as normal as other relationships you had in the past , how serious i become when i needed to . I had spoken to you about sacrifice , effort , performance in 110% , attention in the tiniest detail , working hard day-in day-out , streching personal limits as i’ve never done before .

Facing emotions i’ve never faced before , about “cold-blooded” approach to things so i won’t be affected from external situations ,about the tolerance i must have to withstand the controversy of my
surroundings , about the recovery of physical injuries ,about my diet ,about what i’m willing to sacrifice for my life purposes .

In the beginning i had told you so many things , and what i do , or all these can do in a human’s soul . I don’t want you to understand all these maybe , i don’t want to love me ,hate me ,tolerate me , sympathize me, respect me , accept me , mercy me , beg me , et.c .

The only thing i WANT IS : TO LET ME WIN !!!!!!!!

And maybe deep down i wished , i wouldn’t be “obliged” to tell you all these things .