Everything went okay , i passed my teenage years unharmed physically but most importand mentally .

I grow up literally all alone and i had noone to teach me about situations i’ve face infront of me . My parents didn’t gave a damn about me , they were only existed as physical persons only and in the house everyone did whatever he wanted to do .

I have two older brothers , very wilder than i am and i only seen them , whenever they came home , after their “wild animal” parties ,“wild animal” friends ,“wild animal” alcohol and substances .In my school the same .

Extreme situations , extreme friends and early youth friends , extreme teachers drifting over the times , totaly ignorance for me and my kido needs from everyone . I don’t blame them .Those they could or want , to do , those they did .The only way to “escape” all these , was education i thought .

The only posibility to go away and reach my dreams , was to try and enter university . I realised that very early . Maybe the fact , that i was good enough with my lessons , helped me to realise that i have some kind of power learning things .

I thank GOD for that , because i thought that since i don’t have any other quailification , money , reach parents , reach relatives in general , or someone to help me , i must find what power i have .

Physical , mental , soul power , intelligence , toughness , persistence , resistance to pain and difficulties , sport talent , music talent , whatever .

Because i thought that , EVERYONE in this planet has something , others don’t have . EVERYONE alive has something , in which he is good at . EVERYONE . And the difficult thing is to FIND THIS ABILITY . So i did to myself .

I have made an “invisible” list in my mind and day-in , day-out i checked my abilities and erase , what i CANNOT DO . After a while , i’ve found that i can perform well with books and stuff .I liked physics , maths and these kind of direction in school .

So i desided to give the appropriate summer tests to enter the university i wanted . The heavy winter before my summer tests pasted , finding me reading like a madman/woman , because i new that every passing day , brought me near to my purpose .

And i DID IT . I passed to the University i wanted and my joy was enormous . I haven’t felt like that before in my life . I make it , all alone without anyone holding my hand . JESUS , what a feeling . I desided to relax a little and go for vacations the hole summer . As a WINNER now .

As a Champion . And i did so . That was the time , i saw THAT for the first time .

Strange behaviors were happening . Behaviors that i’ve never saw them before , or didn’t take them seriously maybe .

I’ve seen big smiles telling me congratulations and things like that , but the teeth behind the smiles , were tighten . And the eyes above the smiles , weren’t crystal clear but vault . But the most stranger thing was that i’ve seen these smiles , even inside my realtive circle .

I only knew that . I didn’t like those smiles . What’s the purpose smiling to someone , if you don’t mean it . How smart this is ? I also knew that . That fake thing made me sad .

Of course i didn’t show that to anyone . This situation was so deep for me and i guess i didn’t trust any one to spoke to . I only thought that alone , after my days activities . At nights .

I thought of that and the days . Those dark thoughts were coming , VERY SECRETLY HIDING behind all my daily thoughts . I was sad and worried at the same time .Why this was happening ?

Why i sensed envy and “other things” i didn’t like , from others , even if my closest ones ? Why don’t they share happiness with me ?

Why don’t they are happy with my achievements ? I am with their victories and their happiness .

I keep feeling sad and the last couple of days , SADNESS is getting BIGGER and BIGGER . Of course i don’t speak to anyone , about the ugly situation i am . I feel EMBARRASED . So EMBARRASED .

Sometimes , i cannot think of anything else all day long and the thing that frightens me is , that i cannot fing answers for this situation .” This will be the end of my honest relations with others ? ” This will be the end of my innocent years , as they say in TV ?

” This is the last time i will ever trust 100% , a human being ? ” This is the last time i will let myself to feel real emotions for another person ? ” Should i stop winning battles , in order to find friends and companions again ? ”

Should i confront everyone from “distance” and hostility , to PROTECT myself from future dissapointments ? Are all my enemies and i must crash them ?

All these are spinning my head the last couple of months and i feel so DEPRESSED .

I’ve lost my appetite for all the hobbies i had , i don’t have mood to go out , i haven’t spoke to anyone for weeks . Of course i HIDE all these from EVERYONE . Sometimes i don’t get up from bed , for days finding excuses for my college lessons , in which i’m doing well quite a time now .

I’m not hungry ANYMORE , for anything .

I don’t laugh ANYMORE , for nothing .

The dark nights , DARK THOUGHTS are coming to my head , PRETENDING to be solutions .

Sometimes your mind driven by circumstances will drive you to paths , you must say NO .

Don’t fall in traps your mind produces as a reaction to external circumstances which your sensitive “antenna’s” catches .

The most powerfull competitor is youself , because you know you (!) better than anyone . Your self knows all your secrets , all your tiny habits , all your sensitive “buttons” . And these buttons can be the self distract buttons if you let them .

And for GOD’S name , don’t let your self believe that humans are bad . Don’t hate any human being , don’t believe that society or anything is the cause of your failures maybe or all humans jealous your victories maybe .

Humans aren’t bad .

It’s just that sometimes humans let themselves unguard infront of egoism , and some “unhealthy” passions . Don’t follow your mind’s games , which leads you to see only the bad sides of life and act accordingly .

It’s just mind games and maybe your false ego( we all have this ) games , which take over your thoughts . Take a “step behind” , go for a walk , a small vacation maybe , and leave all these “things” behind you , into past .

Come back fresh new and restart playing the “game” . The “game” of life , the “game” of falling , the “game” of getting up , the “game” of fighting for your dreams . And yes you’ll be smiling more from now on ……..