In my early days a couple of minutes after i saw the light in the end of the tunel(!) , i started to do some “dirty” things and smell so bad .

I don’t remember much from those days , but i remember the feeling of the electified atmosphere and the high indensity nerves , from the ones who had the “duty” to change me and keep me clean .

I remember talks with a lot of nerves and i was certain in my tiny brain , that for all this , i was responsible , because i was getting “smelly” , all the times of the day .

But i couldn’t do anything for it . I was so small and i couldn’t take care myself and stop being a “weight” on the shoulders of the ones who were taking care of me .

But the feeling that i was a weight didn’t leave me till ONE SPECIFIC DAY , i’ll tell you later .

And to be honest , i hated that feeling . I didn’t want to be a weight , to anyone . I wanted my independence and freedom even if , those early baby days , but this should have to wait , till many years ahead .

My coming to this life , some make them sincerely happy and some not . And i suppose this is a natural thing but the thing that it isn’t so natural(!) is your presence make unhappy , the ones that their “mission” is to make you happy !!!!!!!

A kind of complicated , but life is so complicated my friends . Anyway the weeks were passing , the months were passing and i was growing fast and SMILING constantly during the “process” .

I didn’t care for making so many things “wrong” and always hear the yelling and the ‘hard” talks from my surroundings .

And for a reason i cannot explain till now , i always liked to make the other smile a little bit , even if the ones who were yelling at me .

“Strange” behavior indeed , but that’s the way it was and it is till nowdays .

I couldn’t eat on my own , but the few times i tried , i make it a mess , because i was a loser so it was normal .

I couldn’t go to the bathroom on my own , because even if i was very carefull , i always did something “dirty” and the yelling was heard to the next block of apartments .

But i was a loser , so it was normal to make it a mess . They didn’t let me , to participate in the meal preparation , because i couldn’t do anything right and i was wasting the time of others .

But i was a loser and it was a normal thing(!) for me .

They didn’t let me ,to deside what kind of bicylce i wanted and liked ,because i didn’t know anything and for sure , my choice would be wrong .
But i was a loser , and it was a normal thing . They didn’t let me to choose my clothes i liked , because of the same reasons of the bike . But i was a loser and it was a normal thing for me .

They didn’t let me to put my food in my plate , because for sure i would have made the kitchen a complete mess , so i should wait to BE SERVED waiting in line , with my plate in my hands and without speaking much .

This process reminds me something(!) , but i don’t dare to speak so . And of course i was a loser , so it was a normal thing .

I didn’t have the joy to pick on my own , my first school pensils , bag , writing books …. et.c , because my choice would have been a total failure again .

But i was a loser , so what did you expect ?

I was always recieved yelling about the school grades i had , even if they weren’t so far away from the top .

But i was a loser , so it was a normal thing . I was always watching , ironic and fake compassionate smiles , after a defeat i have , in my school sports , in my sports life , in my first choice of boyfriend , in my first erotic separation , in my first totally failure in my school exams , in my first failures i had in my first steps as an adult .

And to be honest , those ironic fake smiles , annoyed me very much , but i didn’t show it to the others .

But they hurted me . But i was a loser , so what better should have i expected ?

I was a loser , when i failed the first time to take my driving licence , because for a man this was unthinkable and shameful . I was a loser , when my boyfriend cheated on me and left me , for another girl .

I was a loser , when my summer work boss , fired me without pay me the last month . I was a looser when i i had my first fine from the traffic police , ecen if i pay it on my own .

I was a loser , when i had my first road accident , which was almost take my life , because for sure i should have made somethingstupid .

I was a loser , when i failed to enter the first time in the college i wanted , because of course i’m not a very bright girl so i must focus my efforts to find a good guy , marry and make children ONLY , forgetting my dreams PERMANENTLY .

I was a loser because no matter how many times i’ve failed to choose , “good” friends , i continue to choose “bad” friends .

I was always recieved yelling , for the choices i’ve made concerning my buddies , because they were always “bad” influences for me , so i should wait for the approval of others , even if i’m ready to enter to college !!!! .

I was a loser because i ask sometimes financial help during my college years , cause you know it isn’t always easy , to find well paid jobs as a college student .

I was a looser when i’ve lost a quarter of a year and delayed to finish college in the exact time i should , because i “was a lazy guy , who cares only for parties and girls ” .

I was a loser because i have tried 14 months from my graduation to find a decent job and the results were zero .

I was a loser because all the others have managed to find good jobs and i’m stil in the effort level .

I’m a loser because i don’t have enough money to buy a better car , a better bike , or whatever and my neighbors are laughing at me , behind my back of course .

I’m a loser because all the other girls in the neighborhood , have found a great guy to marry and i still wasting my time with “bums” .

I’m a loser because i have changed so many jobs , till i find , or i create the job i like , because this mentality of mine , who i am a loser of course …… is a “loser’s mentality” .

I’m a loser because till now i haven’t made any vitory in my life , even the tiniest .

I’m a loser because as many say , i don’t have the brain and guts to succeed anything in my life and my current results , prove this “reality” .

I’m a loser because all my surroundings , all the teachers i had in life , all the people who are near me , see a person with minor abilities and the most importand , ZERO CONFIDENCE and they couldn’t understand this insecurance of mine !!!!!!

I’m a loser because sometimes i feel a looser , hearing and taking seriously all the thoughts and assumprions , the others have for me . Ok , i may not feel a looser many times , but i must admit that all this , DEVALUATION “thing” , affects me sometimes .

Affected me and made me feel , as a “useless weight” on the shoulders of others at least till this SPECIFIC DAY !!!!!

What happened that day , in which i stopped feeling , “useless and a finished case” ?

That day i had my first winning in my whole life , without any external help from anyone !!!!!! It was a small victory , but i didn’t care . It was a completely victory of mine and my life will never be the same again .

I know that you are waiting to tell you , that if you have never experienced this victory emotion , you cannot understand me and in some grade you are right .

The feeling of the victory is something , which no language can describe .

It is the exact time , you stop being a “useless bum” and the blood in your veins is “boiling” . “So that’s victory feels like” , you tell to yourself as your brain tries to realise what is happening , but your brain can’t .

These moments , only your soul receive “messages” . Your brain only thinks :

” Why i waited for this so many years ? ” So what i am ? A girl “loser” or a boy “loser” ?

Because i was a “LOSER WHO NEVER STOPS “ , even if all my environment raised and “trained” me to be a looser , I’M NOT A LOSER ANYMORE !!