My day begins , when the ringing bell rings the same tone for decades .

At summers this happens at 7:00 a.m and the winters at 8:00 a.m . I don’t care much now after so many years . Most of the times i wake up all alone before the bell , if i’m lucky and have slept the previous night .

I’m alone in the “bedroom” for many years now and in my age i can imagine that noone of the other people , would give a damn for my “servises”(!) , the long and cold knights ……

In my 7th decate of my life , getting up from my bed is a process which requires preparation a little bit . The winter my old bones , from moisture are cracle like an old wooden chair .

I lift up my head to see the window and the sun , but the sky is cloudy and maybe it will rain later the day . Who cares for the weather ? WHO CARES FOR ANYTHING ?

I don’t for sure . I take a pint of scotch from my flask beside my pelow and try to take a morning breath . My only friend , a small mouse isn’t here as always to give me the first good morning of the day .

Where is he ? Who knows ? Maybe “Mickey” has found a beautiful “Mini” and had faun the previous night . Let it be . At least one of us , is seeking happiness .

His food and water is in his corner , when he desides to give a visit . The thought of “Mickey” drifting around “hunting” little Mini’s , made me laugh a little before i give a piss in my “personal” and
“royal” toilet .

The “house” is very silent , this morning . I must be the first one of the “kids” who is awake . The “heavy” cloudy weather encourages the morning lie in bed .

But no matter what , everybody obey the morning ringing bell and the strict program we must follow .

I take my morning shave with an old and rusty razor and soap i have and wipe my face with a towel a friend had given me , many years ago when he came to “visit” me .

I don’t have a mirror for my shaving , but after so many years i can shave my wrinkled face with my eyes closed . I DON’T LIKE MIRRORS .

I wait now for my “servant” to open the door so i can go for my breakfast and a cigarrete maybe if my other “fellows” will give one .

I can hear him coming for my door and the smell of his cologne is spreading in the morning air “breaking” the moisture and the other smells of the “house” .

He is always very polite to me as he tells me the usual good morning and today he also smiles big . It is obvious the he is in a good mood .

I ask him about his news and he tells me , that he’s very proud because his daughter passed in the college she always wanted . With a quick move of his hands , he puts in my left pocket a small chocolate and he smiles with cunning . He knows that i like chocolates .

This morning breakfast isn’t something special or something unknown to me , but i eat it mechanically without second thoughts and desires .

The same faces are around me , unshaved , unclean and without mood for morning talks . We are “neighbors” for so many years now and we have shared so many bad times and good times .

For some who have “special appetites” (!) , these moments can be more “personal” . But not for me .

I dream big , imagine “things” . I imagine PERFECT LIVES , dream about my remaining life , make me “escape” from my current life . You know , your mind , your heart , your soul is ALL YOURS and NOONE can take them away from you . Inside your head , you can be whoever you want to be .

Rich ,poor , handsome , smart genious , great lover , great family man ,great grandfather ,great husband , loyal friend , popular , legend , King , astronaut , Zac Yves Cousteau exploring unknown seas and facing weird sea creatures , a great writer , a famous musician , you can be A HAPPY MAN .

Many times reading a book , i catch myself stop reading the page and daydreaming my life . I remember my life’s story and to be honest with myself , the bad times are more than the happy ones . But it’s so strange , the happy times are coming first in my mind and stays more :

Riding walks near the river sneaking out of my house when everybody was sleeping , catching and playing with crabs , sharing with my kid friends , some gum competitions , having always bloody knees from crashes and cheeks always soile dwith ice-creams .

Sunday’s family gatherings to enjoy the best meal of the week with my father sitting in the head of the table always serious as a father model should be .

His moustache always groomed and his old fashioned cologne was spread in the room . My mother the same . Wearing her best Sunday dress and the same BID SMILE from satisfaction , seing her family together and happy .

Mm , i close my eyes and i cannot taste it till today .Those feelings are so deep in my ” hard-disc ” .

They dry out inside my eyes !!!! . I’m too old even to cry some decent tears . After all these , it’s time for my BAD times : Loveless moments as a small kid , from the ones who supposed their mission isn’t to offer me material stuff only , but love me . Only love me , even with ZERO MATERIAL .

From my closed eyes a tiny water-drop tries to escape but it doesn’t make it till the “exit” .

Words of devaluation for my childhood mistakes , from people of my close and not close surroundings ,which hurted me SO MUCH , but i pretend i didn’t hear them . But those talks my friend i remember them , till my age now , as if it was yesterday .

That’s how badly HURTED me .

Thoughts of mine as a small child , for so any things i couldn’t understand , but i didn’t dare to ask for , because i was so AFRAID of the devaluation . Thought of mine , which they never became words , but remained in my soul and heart , till now .

JESUS , i should have been more BRAVE and ask those questions , no matter what .

I guess i’ll never know .

The deeper i digg into the past , how many BAD TIMES are reveiling . Moments , which gave me so mauch pain i suppose and as a defence , i buried them so deep in my soul .

In the deepest depths , all humans have and serve us when things are going extreme tough .

I remember , fake willingness to honesty help me , fake happiness when things were going well for me , fake tears in contrary of my REAL TEARS , fake hits in the back , fake efforts to find the right words to support me , fake action efforts to give me motivation and mental help , fake sympathy for me , truly hatred for me , hidden behind ironic smiles , straight Betrayals , hidden betrayals , betrayals caused sometimes by circumastamces and others just for the “sport” , smiling betrayals .

I remember health problems and i remember the decisions i’ve made during my hospital times , for changing my life approach when i ws going out of hospital and of course i didn’t keep them .

I remember having so many days – months not smiling , or having a little fun , benting by sorrow and reaching my personal limits . I remember days and weeks passing struggling to succeed to the plans i had as a young person , not knowing if i would saw a light at the ” end of the tunel ” .

I remember those long and dark nights , which i couldn’t sleep without taking a tranquilizer or something like that . I remember so many bad times , even i’m surpized .

But although all these , so stressful situations and countless sorrow moments , i managed to SURVIVE . I don’t know how , but all these tough times for any human being , i managed to overcome them .

I tried more , i worked more , i cried more , i was “hungry” more , i found motivation more , i used my aggresivity more , i used my determination more .

I used my LOVE more , i had the eyesight of the one , who would do whatever it takes for the “job” . I had the eyesight of the life’s fighter , who would never give up NO MATTER WHAT DIFFICULTIES HE WOULD FOUND .

For those eyesight , i must tell you , I WAS SO PROUD FOR !!!!

I didn’t show it in the outside , but i WAS PROUD .

I was a fighter and a fighter MUST HAVE THE 100% DETERMINATION EYESIGHT .

And this a 100% ” FOCUS TO YOUR TARGET ” EYESIGHT .

This eyesight can melt steel , if you feel like it !!!!!!

This eyesight IS YOUR FORTUNE IN LIFE , if you DON’T HAVE NOTHING MORE !!!

This eyesight is given to you , the day of your birth as your survival tool by your CREATOR .

NOONE CAN TAKE IT FROM YOU .

It “obeys” only to ONE RULE .

YOUR EYESIGHT CANNOT ABANDON YOU .

YOU CAN ONLY ABANDON IT !

With these thoughts , the time has passed and i must return to my prison cell , for my night sleep . I have a small lamp , which i light to put out my prison clothes .

As i open the lamp , i see my face in the mirror accidentally and i get frozen viewing my face . I don’t recognize myself anymore . I don’t want to recognise me , anymore . No eyes existed anymore .

NO EYESIGHT EXISTS ANYMORE .

The prison years , vanish it completely . I close the lamp . That’s why I DON’T LIKE MIRRORS ANYMORE . Don’t let ANY KIND OF PRISON “prison” , vanish your Champion eyesight !!!!!