I’ve just wake up from my sleep , which was so deep and long i suppose because i have no good sense of time . I don’t know if i’ve slept for a couple of minutes , or for a couple of days .

The cocktail of medicine the doctors are giving me are so strong , which not many people could have accept it , without serious body and mind problems .

My eyesight is also very blurry , i cannot see the clock or the dusty diary in the wall of my hospital room .I can only see that the daylight isn’t very strong , the sun isn’t very light or warm so it must be early in the morning .

If i judge from the low “traffic” of nurses and doctors in the corridors and the silence combined with a little snoring from my friend “neighbor” in the beside bed , it must be dawn . It is my favorite time of the day .

I can hear the early morning birds ,the nightingale bird singing so melodic ,making so many different voices and so different rythms .

The people who have strong believe in GOD they say , that all the planet creatures , animals and so ,the only thing they care about is to please GOD with their lives and actions and don’t care for anyhting else .

I can think one creature that cares mostly for his own existance first and then cares for other matters , maybe . With those thoughts and under the bird singing , i try to ” touch down on earth ” and return to my extremely bad reality here in this country hospital .

I’m not an old guy but my body is working in the limit( and above it ) so many years now .It is heavily charged with , strong medicine , and i don’t know how many weeks ,months or in the best case , will withstand and keep me alive .

I hear so many different things from the doctors and to tell you the truth ,i don’t care anymore for they hypothesis and their scenarios about my situation .

My parents are “swimming” to my sea of problems , for so many years i cannot imagine where they found the strengh to hold on and the most important to be so humanitarian sweet :

They NEVER Have SHOWED ME , signs of indignation .

JESUS , are they Saints or they love me so much ?

I will never know i suppose . I try to stand up and reach my bottle of water , but my body doesn’t obey . As if my hand and feet are weight a “thousand tons” . I quit the efford after some good attempts , with every strength i had .

I come back to my bed , i raise a little my bed’s back using the bed control and put my head on the pillow . I tremble a little for my tries , and a big tear “escapes” my eyes spontaneous . I don’t care to wipe it fast as other times .There is noone to see me .

I only try not to let myself free , because i know that if i begin to cry , a “sea” of unstoppable tears will come and i don’t want others see me , so vulnerable and weak . Maybe this a residue from my former glamour and powerfull life , i don’t know .

I decide since i have no body power to move or do something in the “physical” world ,to “act” in my mind world . A badly injured mind world which caused my body “failure” .

What happened to my life ?

Why am i here , in a small country hospital surrounding by unknowns , waiting for the unknown , so HELPLESS ?

How all the goods in my life , became so bad ?

How from a winner , i became someone who cannot control even his basic needs ?How all the smiles in my environment , became tired faces , sadness and misery ?

How all my teenage – student dreams became a nightmare for me and my surroundings ?How i came to this situation while everything was perfect for me and my progress as a person ?

I was healthy , smart , good looking , intelligent , and everybody admired me , especially the moment i entered the top university after so much struggles .

How i got into this “finished” and improverished position ?

These thoughts are coming to my troubled for medicines brain and some more tears are “escaping” my eyes .

I don’t wipe them also , the quiet in the hospital still excists .I was so good to my life so far .I didn’t make bad to any human being consciously and i enjoyed life so well .I had succeeded many of my life’s goals so far and the future was opening so promisable .

I was going to take my university degree , and probably would go to make a master ,i would have finished all these , found a very good job , make family ,kids and lived good ever after .

Now i’m here in this filthy hospital room ,with rusty pipes and holes in the sheets , not knowing if i manage to exit , or NOT .

Now i’m here making bad thoughts and whispering very bad phrase to myself and my bad destiny . I whisper phrases created by my desperate soul and DEFEAT , which are more as curses .If someone could hear these talks from me , he would have thought that i am the worst person in earth .

But i don’t care for world’s opinion anymore , i have other things to care for .And i sink into my thoughts . To be total honest with myself , while i am sinking to my past thoughts , a phrase which i’ve NEVER SAID IT BEFORE IN MY LIFE , is spinning in my head .

We had problems as families have , most of them were finance , but love and care for each other kept us united . My parents worked so hard to raise us , as better as they could . And life rolled well .

The school periods in the big city going to school and stuff , and the hot summers in our grandparents house in the village .

I was doing so good “job” with my lessons and everyone were telling my parents that my future will be great and ideal ,and i’l become easy a successful scientist .

I didn’t gave any attention those days ,to all these sweat talks , but deep inside me , i was feeling a little bit proud for myself .Because i was good at something .

I remember the “tons” of happiness i was feeling late at knights before i got to sleep and dreaming my PERFECT FUTURE .

I suppose all humans are making these kinds of thoughts and it’s not a bad thing . It’s not a bad thing to dream that your future will be perfect , with no problems . You don’t realize that , but the smiles you give before the sweet sleep “takes you” , are the BIGGEST IN YOU LIFE .

I think are the ones who you make in the innocent years ,as people says . Mm , how i missed those big smiles of satisfaction .Those times seems so far away now and the saddest is , that they will NEVER COME BACK or will they return ?

Some more tears are coming to my eyes and i wipe them in a glimpse . These ones are “hotter” than the other ones .

I look back and remember my school years .The anxieties in the exam periods .The countless hour of readind alone and with mates , trying to be as better prepared as we could .

I remember the delays in the first hours lessons and the funniest excuses we’ve said to our teachers .The school tours in the nature and in the seas right before the summer close .

The music bands we listened and saving money with “blood” ,to buy theie latest disc .The bands we as kids have made ,trying to be as them and trying to get the attention of the girl ,we were in love with .

I remember my first date as a teenager and the yelling of my brothers because the bathroom was “busy” for 5 hours . I remember the first time i hold her , hand .Pure electrical power run through my bones .Pure “nuclear power” when i first kissed her .

The feeling i had when i learned early in the autumn , that i’ve entered in the university i wanted , is beyond my language knowledge to speak to My FIRST VICTORY IN LIFE !!!!!

The first days i wasn’t walking . I was “flying” above the ground I felt so strong inside me that ,even the Incredible Hulk would have scared of me !! It was a new era of feelings i’ve experienced and selfish or not , i liked so much .

Finally , i was good at something and , i HAD PROOF OF IT . My self esteem was in the highest “mountains” . I wanted the hole world to know that : I’ve made it .Despite my poverty and mllion problems , I’VE MADE IT .The next period of time was the BEST IN MY LIFE so far .

I went to the University , i settled in my apartment ,i got the stuff a college person needs and i “send back” my “pissed on their pants from joy” parents to the city and my new life was infront of me at last .Things were going very well .

I met new people , i made new companies with interesting persons and the wild parties were in my daily program .

The tiny phrase i don’t dare to say it now , back then wasn’t even in my science fiction sphere . I was the KING OF THE WORLD . But , there is always a but in every story i can imagine .

After a couple of years living well , partying well , studying well , loving well (!) , new experiences according my relationships with people , unveiled for me .

Till that time , i thought that the planet was inside a “pink and blue cloud” and that the “life’s game” , was played by all with the same rules , the same ethics . But i was so wrong .

After a serious accident i had with my bike , which left me with very serious kinetic problems , some of my relationships with friends , girlfriends , teachers , coaches , relatives , have changed .

Some of my recent close friends and my girlfriend create distance from me and later on , step by step , day by day they left me .

Of course many of my other friends , family relatives , stood beside me and showed so kindness and understanding . In the top of the “pyramid” of course , my parents were always in my stand and God knows how i thank them .

But i always was honest with myself , the behavior of the others who left me and as i thought “betrayed” me, hurted me very deeply .

I couldn’t find why they did that .I never asked them to do something they cannot ,or don’t want to do .I didn’t want to be weigh in the shoulders for noone .

I hide those thoughts of mine , even from my closest people , but i spend so many nights been “tortured” inside .

My logic couldn’t find reasonable solutions for those “betrayals” .But now i know , that maybe humans go away from situations which make them sad and bring down their phycology .They aren’t necessary bad or evil , as i false thought those dark days .

Of course i don’t blame them , and i regret to “judge” them so wrong . I’m so sorry my friends , may God protect you . But all this after a while , had impacts in my mind . I started to have mind and soul disturbances as the psychiatrists said .

Depression , obsessions and bad emotions like that “attacked” me and WON me .

After my parents first and huge shock , medical treatment was the only way for me . Many psychiatric sessions at first and after that , drugs .

Light ones the first months , which all failed .So the docs decided the “final” and critical method .A new and very promising drug therapy , but very heavy for my body .

If this would fail , there isn’t any other thing to do for me . And i started it . And it went very well . It goes very well that’s why i can speak to you now from this hospital ,which i enter every single week for chack – ups . In the past i couldn’t think of anything .

I was like a “robot” , empty and cold .But things are going well as all the professionals saying .

But i’m SO TIRED my friends . I CANNOT DO IT ANYMORE . My body and mostly my soul is SO DRAINED from all this . I’m SO TIRED not to be able to move my heavy body some days .

I cannot do it any more . I’ve wiped so many tears of my chicks and let others dry by themselves . Sometimes , i pray to God to give an end to all of this , but i take it back the same time .

Sometimes i think letting myself to say this tiny phrase .To yell this tine phrase with every power i’ve left inside .

I’M OVER . I’M DONE . I’M FINISHED . GAME IS OVER !!! and close my eyes and rest at last . I close my eyes now , thinking all of these and PEACE IS COMING .

I cannot hear anything anymore my body isn’t heavy anymore i don’t feel pain anymore .

But a ringing bell is braking the silence . Doctors are coming .

I BELIEVE I’M ALIVE . I BELIEVE I’LL GIVE ANOTHER ROUND .

I BELIEVE THAT MY INSIDE FIRE IS STILL HERE . I BELIEVE IT’S NOT MY STYLE TO QUIT .

I BELIEVE .

I BELIEVE .

JESUS “strange” things happens when you BELIEVE .

NEVER , NEVER , NEVER , say to yourself : I’M FINISHED , I’M DONE , GAME IS OVER , no matter how tough things are .

KEEP BREATHING AND BELIEVE !!!