I ‘ m a fat – short – shy – ‘weird’ – dyslexic small ” kido ”and i don’t let myself free and spontaneous to enjoy my new bicycle or whatever , because i feel the “judging ” eyes of my friends and neighbours on me , 24/7 .

Usually i smile trying to hide my embarrassment .Till i finish school i felt embarrassment many times .

Sometimes when my family didn’t have the enough money to sent me to the best tutorials . Sometimes when i didn’t have the money to buy the Nike Air Jordan shoes as all the other kids had .

Sometimes when i passed my hole school winters with only 2 or 3 track suits and if i was careless and ripped them , my mother put a stamp on it to hide the rip .

Somehow like that my kido and teenage years passed , and maybe because of those circumstances i became a shy person , and someone who felt that , he always must be the one who makes jokes in a company of people .

Be the funny man/woman , seeking and ” begging” for acceptance , AFRAID TO SHOW ΜΥ REAL CHARACTER .

And to tell you the truth , most of the times i felt sorry for myself , knowing deep inside me that this isn’t the healthiest thing to do to your personality .

But i’ve found an opposite thing to that depression early days behaviour .It was an inside ” fire ” i’ve felt all my life “telling” me something secretly , ALL MY LIFE .

That ” something “, made me feel optimistic about my life and my future the knights i was returning back at home , after the funny show i was giving to satisfy my friend’s ” appetite ” .

That burning ” fire ” in my stomach was whispering at me , that when i decide to cut the postpones , the funny and stupid attitude , when i will make the desicion for maximum attack , i could do everything i n my life .

For many years that thought made me feel secure and insecure the same time .

My parents worked for the country in its agencies and they payed by the country . So they never ” swimmed ” in unexplored waters and for them doing something outside the ” box ” was an ” alien ” situation . My brothers and sisters the same .

My relatives the same . My relative kids and friends , the same .

Yes , the very few times i tried to tell them about my point of view , i received the laughs and the mockery of them and i never spoke with them about those matters . NEVER AGAIN . I was alone .Me and my dreams and my fears .

Fears not as you read in the books and the thousand phycological articles , which tells you that they have the true and only solution , to confront your fears ( and maybe sell you something ” magic ” ) but something else .

The primitive fear of being lonely against all , the fear that you and ONLY YOU MUST DO THE “JOB ” , without the help from noone .This fear and the fear of failure can brake your spirit , as a tiny branch , f your life .

I can asure you that , when you feel this kind of emotion for the first time , you’ll never forget it for the rest of your life .

I’m not so smart to go and finish the college i want and my suroundings agrees in that (!) ,i ‘ve never left my small village to go to the big city with the big block of flats and the so smart city-people .

I would be like the ” fly in the milk ” . I don’t know anyone to help me find a job , so i can finish my studies – athlete career – businessman career ,or whatever .

I should find a job from the newspaper , something i’ve never done before in my life .It feels so strange in the begining acting far away from the secure of my home , but i must withstand .

What if i FAIL , TOTALLY and COMPLETELY ?

I could never deal the laughs and humiliation of my environment .

If i’ll be obliged to leave my dreams once and for all , by the society’s critique , i know that i’ll die by that , inch by inch every day . I know that my soul will never recover and i will be another human who died in its sleep by ” unknown cause ” .

” Broken ” heart , isn’t an official cause of death you know .What if this failure cause the opportunity of not creating my own family ?

What if this personal failure cause the destruction of my already existing family ?

How will i live for the rest of my life , knowing that i haven’t tried enough and if i had lost ,i had lost .

At list i would have known my limits , thing i could live with that .

Unpin those ” soul nails ” from your human existance , replace them with raw determination and ” unhuman ” work and at the end of the ” game ” , we’ll see who is GOING TO WIN !!!