I was always USED you , i NEVER wanted you .

You were always to me an asset , something i needed to “demonstrate” to my surroundings , to my family , to society and don’t feel worthless . I was always used you , to fill my image to society , to be accepted , to feel a little successful .

I needed to feel a little successful in life , so badly . Deepest motives were , the fulfillness of my soul’s needs , the fulfillness of my humanity’s needs , honest friendship , LOVE .

My motives were , the cunning egoistic accomplishment of a “JOB” i had across the society’s hidden “laws” , and that exactly i did .

I couldn’t withstand the reality of being different as my environment wanted , as my surroundings wanted and needed .

Maybe secretly i wanted their acceptance finally in my life and i didn’t care much , if my actions and your utilization , will lead your life into total and ASSURED DESTRUCTION .

The years were passing by , you were becoming bigger and as many people were watching your obvious talents , in many sectors , i also saw them . This was seemed very strange to me .

Till then in my whole life , i didn’t remember seeing a human being using his talents ONLY to accomplish something !!!!! . Anything . Even the simplest thing .

A nice paint in the school , a nice neclace maden by outside flowers , o cool
basketball shot , anything .I didn’t remember myself , watch , observe someone carefully accomplishing something in his life and WANT TO BE LIKE HIM .

ADMIRE him – her .

So deep inside me , seeing you growing and becoming ,a talented person (minor talent , or bigger gifted person it doesn’t matter ALL HUMANS ARE GIFTED ) , inside me i felt emotion of admiration and JEALOUSY the same time , but not in equal dosage . I let my jealousy “soul nail” , win the admiration emotion . Unfortunately .

Thinking of that nowdays , i realise that if you let yourself conquered by this “black beast” ,
and don’t defend YOU , by using the “weapons” you have as an individual , your life gets into “trouble” . It’s like tripping up , yourself !! .

So , you scored your first “kido” goal in football , everybody gave you a smile and a clap , i did that i didn’t see it , having my back turned ,“accidentally” .

I never needed to wake up earlier in the mornings to wake you up for school . You were getting up by your own , made your breakfast , prepare your school bag and get dressed , and i never gave you a hug and a HONEST kiss .

I never needed to help you with your lessons , you’ve never asked gor a help , so everything was ok . You’never asked for another t-shirt , athletic shoe and uniform , a ball , a toy or anything .

You took , everything i gave you with the same smile , whether it was the one you liked or not .That smile pissed me off . Never a school teacher , or your coach phoned me or anything , to complain about you .

When i was taken your very good grades in school , i saw you expecting my accept ,my kiss and maybe obvious admiration , but i never gave you that pleasure .

After a couple of seconds of DEEP DISSAPOINTMENT , you smiled and gone , like you were FORGIVEN ME !!!! .

I never TRULY cared for your future , i only showed to the society that i cared .That was enough .My “image” was safe and secured . But some DARK NIGHTS , my consciousness was “punishing” me with stomachache and insomnia .

I was saying to myself that i ate a bit more than i should ,but deep down , i knew .My body reacted to my actions , but i never stopped wanted your failure and disaster in your life , so i CAN CONTROL YOU and DOMINATE YOUR PERSONALITY .

If i was failed in my life never followed my dreams YOU MUST FAIL TOO !!! .

In that way , i won’t feel alone , and my “SOUL NAILS” which tortured me since i’ve remember myself ,and will torture me till my death , will be smoother .

Or so I thought .

You were growing ,you were giving “battles” , sometimes you lose ,sometimes you won . When you were loosing , i always tried to bring you down more , so your spirit will brake and you never tried , to succed again .

After a couple of times in which i succed , and make you unstable for a while ,the other times ,i was FAILING TOTALY and CONSTANTLY !!!!! . After your first defeats ,with the “little” help of mine ,it seemed that you transformed into someonne else .

You didn’t care for anything , than the accomplishment of whatever you had in mind .You didn’t care for the clapping of anyone , your determination got “rock” stable and that was obvious in your eyesight for miles away .

I don’t know what happened to you , but i’ve never seen a person with blood and bones ,trying so hard for something , willing to sucrifice EVERYTHING !!

That was the moment i realised , that : I COULDN’T DO ANYTHING TO HARM YOU ANYMORE !!!!!!

And i stepped back , defeated . And you MAKE IT EVENTUALLY !!!!!! And i don’t know , how i felt . Maybe happy .

No matter what your STARTING line is , your FINISH line is up to you ……